What does 'I love you' mean?
by LittleBritainFanatic
Summary: A collection of one shots for every pairing I can think of. There will be m/m and f/f, but no lemons.
1. Ray McCoony x Squire Mackenzie

The First Kiss

It had been five hours since Squire Mackenzie had asked the dreaded question 'Is the three courses for fifteen pounds set menu available on a Sunday?' - and he still hadn't got an answer. So, naturally, he was getting very wound up by Mr McCoony's insistence on not actually answering the question.

"Oh, shut up, Mr McCoony!" He snapped, finally losing his temper. It wasn't like he had a short temper, he was actually a very patient person, but Ray was _very_ annoying.

Ray had been grinning in his irritating way, but, as he was yelled at, the smile faded from his face, and he took his flute out of his mouth, resting it on the desk in front of him. He ducked his head and sighed slightly, hurt. Ray really didn't mean to be annoying - he thought his odd behaviour was mystical, making his guests' experience more interesting - but it particularly hurt him because the comment came from Squire Mackenzie. Even though the white haired man had only been staying at Ye Olde Hotele for a week, Ray, as hard as it was to admit it, thought that he was attracted to his guest. Of course, he knew better than to tell Squire Mackenzie that piece of information - it was one of those things that you had to keep secret.  


Squire Mackenzie seemed to sense that Ray's feelings were hurt, because he stepped forwards, trying to see Ray's facial expression: Ray was biting his lip, and blinked much more than usual, as if trying not to cry.

"Are you alright, Mr McCoony?" He asked cautiously.

Ray nodded, before swallowing hard, and said, in his usual, melodramatic way, "Ye-e-e-e-e-s!" But his voice wavered, and he knew he wasn't convincing the younger man.

"Have I upset you?" Squire Mackenzie pressed, watching Ray's lip tremble. This really wasn't like Ray - something had to be wrong.

Nodding again, Ray tried to meet Squire Mackenzie's eye, but he found himself blushing, and had to look away.

"You're sure?"

Ray sighed, deciding to just say what was troubling him - but in his own, pointless way, of course. "Have ye heard of the sprites that get inside your head and turn you away from the ladies, towards your fellow man?" Picking up his flute, Ray played a short, nervous tune, unable to meet Squire Mackenzie's inquisitive gaze. His heart pounded rapidly, making him feel light headed.

"You mean gays?" Squire Mackenzie asked, understanding the meaning of Ray's strange riddle.

"Yeah," Ray replied, none of his usual enthusiasm in his voice. This was so embarrassing, he just wanted to hide.

Squire Mackenzie suddenly realised what Ray was trying to tell him - he was gay! But rather than feeling disgusted in the way Ray feared, he looked at Ray with admiration, knowing that he could never be that brave. Not really knowing what he was doing, he reached out and rested his hand on Ray's fist, which was tightly griping his flute, trying to comfort the embarrassed hotelier. Ray jumped at the touch, a strange, almost electric sensation moving up his arm.

Squire Mackenzie noticed as Ray flinched, and asked, "Do you like _me_?" But he already knew the answer.

Ray nodded, ashamed to have admitted it. He found himself tensing up, as if anticipating a punch from the other man. "I'm sorry." he whispered.

But Squire Mackenzie just squeezed his hand, smiling at him. "Don't be, Mr McCoony," He said softly.

Ray tried to think it over in his head - if Squire Mackenzie didn't care that he was gay, maybe he liked him too. The very idea of being with the man he loved was too much for Ray, and, before he could stop himself, he leaned across the desk, and kissed Squire Mackenzie on the lips. It was a timid, quick kiss, but a kiss all the same.

"I'm so sorry-" He babbled, looking near tears, but he was cut off.

Squire Mackenzie kissed him back deeply, knowing that, even though Ray was the most irritating person he had ever met, he defiantly had feelings for him too.

When they finally broke apart, Ray gasping for breath, Squire Mackenzie managing to regain his composure, they both realised that another guest was stood behind Squire Mackenzie. Ray recognised her instantly as one of the Americans that were currently staying at the hotel. She had her obnoxious daughter beside her, and they were both staring at the two men.

"Excuse me?" She asked, sounding irritated.

"Ye-e-e-e-e-s?" Ray said shakily, watching her with wide eyes.

Squire Mackenzie moved out of her way, letting Ray pull him around his side of the desk.

"Mommy?" The girl asked, looking up at her mother. "Why are those men holding hands?"

"I think they're a couple, Kimberly," Her mum explained, looking up at Ray and Squire Mackenzie.

They both looked at each other, and shared a soft kiss.

"Ye-e-e-e-e-s," Ray said, grinning.

"We are." Squire Mackenzie added, squeezing Ray's hand, knowing that he was correct, and glad to be.


	2. Judy x Maggie

In sickness and in health

It was the middle of the night, but Judy couldn't sleep. She curled up on her side, facing away from Maggie in an attempt at not waking her up with her heavy breathing. Sniffing, Judy wiped her running nose with her handkerchief, and sighed heavily. For the last couple of days, she'd had a cold, but now, as she shivered under the thick duvet, Judy knew that she was getting worse - this had to be more than just a cold. Shivering again, Judy clamped her handkerchief over her much to stifle a violent cough, before relaxing, and tucking her knees up under her nightdress, hugging them as tightly as her weakened arms could.

Rubbing her achy eyes, Judy continued to shiver, despite her face being very hot when she touched it. Nightdress damp with cold sweat, Judy shifted uncomfortably in bed, and, feeling truly dreadful, she let a few tears trickle down her flushed cheeks,having to bite her lip so the sobs wouldn't escape her mouth.

Shuddering with the effort of repressing her sobs, Judy suddenly tensed up as a wave of nausea flowed through her, making her stomach churn horribly. She lay very still, hoping the nausea would pass, but, even though she tried to fight it, Judy's mouth filled with slightly salty saliva, and she heaved, bile rising in her throat. Suddenly finding strength, Judy hurtled into the en suite bathroom, her stomach lurching. The room was almost pitch black - and Judy wouldn't have been able to see even if it hadn't been, for she wasn't wearing her glasses - so Judy groped blindly in search of the toilet, the urge to vomit getting stronger and stronger. But she tripped over her own feet, and banged her forehead hard into the edge of the bathtub with a hideous thud.

Landing heavily on her aching stomach, Judy opened her mouth to cry out in agony, but instead vomited all over the linoleum. Stomach cramping, throat burning, eyes watering, Judy vomited violently and copiously, feeling completely helpless. She managed to stop bring sick fr a few seconds, and used the time to stagger over to where she hoped the lavatory was, managing t get her head over the bowl before the vomiting fit returned. She had t tightly grip the toilet seat to stop herself falling head first down the bowl. As she threw up bile - the only thing left in her stomach - Judy's legs gave way, and she had to kneel in front of the lavatory instead, her upper body hunched uncomfortably so she could still vomit down the pan at this new angle. She wretched with such force that her throat hurt as if she was coughing, and tears began to pour from her irritated eyes.

It was then that the light switched on, and Judy jumped, until she heard Maggie's voice, ridden with confusion and concern, "Judy? What's happening? Are you ill?" Maggie's babbled comments may have seemed like they were stating the obvious, but they were a great comfort to Judy, who had been longing for sympathy for the whole night.

Only seconds later, Maggie's arms encircled Judy, her skin feeling very cold against Judy's flushed arms, and she cradled her still vomiting girlfriend's weak frame. She kept one arm around Judy's heaving shoulders, using her free hand to gently run her fingers through Judy's short, fluffy, but sweat soaked hair in what she hoped was a reassuring manner.

When Judy's vomiting had finally ceased, Judy, left with sore intercostal muscles, an aching throat and a hideous sour taste in her mouth, relaxed her grip on the toilet seat, and leaned weakly back against Maggie, exhausted. She shivered violently, feeling unexplainablely dizzy - until Judy remembered that she hit her head, which was throbbing tenderly.

Murmuring soothingly, Maggie closed the toilet lid, and helped Judy sit on it, not trusting her to walk just yet, for she looked so weak that collapsing was a real danger. Maggie then turned to leave the room, but was stopped as Judy grabbed her wrist with her trembling hand.

"Please don't leave me alone, Maggie," She pleaded pathetically, her teary eyes wide.

Knowing that Judy couldn't see her very well because she wasn't wearing her glasses, Maggie crouched down in front of her sick girlfriend so their brown eyes were level. "I won't be long, Judy, I promise." She said calmly, and Judy reluctantly released her weak grip on Maggie's arm.

Carefully avoiding the pool of vomit, Maggie hurried downstairs, trying to find anything she could use to make Judy feel better or, at the very least, a bit more comfortable. She got a large plastic bowl to serve as a sick bowl; her basket of cleaning products to deal with the large amount of vomit on their bathroom floor; a large glass of cold water, complete with ice cubes from the freezer, which she placed on a tray alongside a few crackers; the thermometer from the first aid kit; and some painkillers. She then went back upstairs, struggling to carry all the stuff at once, and set it down on her bedside table.

Picking up a blanket and Judy's glasses, Maggie returned to the bathroom, where Judy was still shivering violently on the toilet, her skin very flushed with an obvious fever. Maggie handed Judy her glasses, which Judy slipped onto the bridge of her bunged up nose, giving Maggie a brief, thankful smile. Now able to see clearly, Judy noticed the fear in Maggie's eyes, and began to feel guilty guilty for putting Maggie through such a stressful situation.

"I'm sorry for scaring you like this, Maggie," Judy croaked, slightly slurring her words.

Maggie, who was usually a very calm, collected person, felt the rare sensation of a lump forming in her throat, and had to swallow hard to keep her emotions under control. "It's not your fault, Judy," Maggie reassured her, keeping her voice as steady as she could. "You can't help being ill."

Maggie didn't think that her statement had made Judy any less distressed, but Judy still tried to smile as she looked at her, holding her neck in a futile attempt to sooth her burning throat - the sight of Judy trying to reassure her back almost set Maggie off again, but she managed to stop herself crying again.

Turing away, Maggie picked up Judy's flannel, ran it under the cold tap, wrung it out, and then handed it to Judy. As Judy's hands were trembling violently, Maggie realised that she was too weak to do it herself, and placed her larger hand over Judy's, helping her to clean her face. Judy flinched at the sudden change of temperature to her burning skin, but it did feel nice to cool down slightly, even if it did make her shiver more. Noticing this, Maggie realised that she had forgotten to give Judy the blanket, and wrapped it around her shaking shoulders. Once Judy's face was clean, Maggie gave her a hug, rubbing her hands up and down Judy's arms to try and stop her shivering, but also taking extreme care not to touch Judy's forehead, where a large, black bruise was already forming.

Breathing heavily through her mouth, Judy rested the side of her head against Maggie's shoulder, trying not to cry. But her emotions overwhelmed her, and, although she tried to stop it, tears were once again running down Judy's face, partly from feeling so dreadful, and partly from Maggie being so kind.

"Please don't cry, Judy," Maggie soothed, hating seeing the person she loved in such a state, and she gently rocked Judy from side to side until she finally stopped crying.

When Maggie pulled back from Judy, intending on wiping her eyes - which, judging by how damp Maggie's nightdress was, were very wet from crying so much - Maggie realised that Judy, clearly exhausted, had fallen asleep. Having to be careful to not wake Judy up, Maggie dried her face as best as she could with some toilet paper, surprised by how gentle she was managing to be. But as son as she let go of Judy, Maggie was startled as Judy slumped sideways, no control over her body at all. She would have fallen to the floor if Maggie hadn't caught her in time. Keeping a firm grip - but no so firm as to hurt her - on Judy's arms, Maggie wondered what to do now; she couldn't sit here holding Judy upright all night, but Judy was far too heavy for Maggie, who had a reputation for putting her back out very easily, to carry even the short distance back to their bed.

She finally decided to wake Judy up, but that made her feel a bit guilty, because Judy, despite being very red and clammy, looked rather peaceful. So, somewhat reluctantly, Maggie gently shook Judy's shoulder. Judy jumped, her eyes snapping open, before she immediately screwed them up again as her pain registered. Her heart pounded fearfully, even though Judy knew it was only Maggie, but she still took a long time to calm herself down.

"Sorry, Judy," Maggie smiled apologetically, getting an almost drunken half-smile in return. Taking a deep breath, Maggie tried to sound cheerful despite being worried about Judy and totally sleep deprived. "Come on, let's get yu to bed." She said, her voice bright as if talking to a child, but Judy didn't find it patronising: a part of her mind liked being treated with such sympathy.

Maggie then stood up, clapping her hands together. The sudden loud noise hurt Judy's aching ears, and she flinched slightly, her eyes widening. Maggie apologised again, wishing that she could stop anciently hurting Judy. Even so, Judy didn't appear to hold a grudge, because she knew that Maggie was trying her hardest to care for her.

Carefully gripping Judy's wrist with one hand, Maggie tucked the other under Judy's arm and helped her to her unsteady feet. Taking most of Judy's weight for her, Maggie led Judy across the bathroom and back into their bedroom, taking extreme care not to get Judy off balance. Judy's legs wobbled beneath her weak frame, but managed to stop her knees buckling.

Upon reaching the double bed, Maggie pulled back the duvet, and helped Judy into bed, propping her up with extra pillows to ease Judy's nausea. She then took the duvet out of its cover, and just covered Judy with the empty case to stop her overheating further. Sitting down beside Judy, wh was somehow out of breath from such a short walk, Maggie handed Judy the glass and water, putting the bowl on her lap in case she was sick.

Leaning back against her stack of pillows, Judy took a long, slow sip of water, her hands shaking so much that the glass clunked against her teeth. The cool water soothed her sore throat, and helped to get the foul taste out of her mouth, but, as she swallowed, Judy found her stomach churning again. And, before she could even warn Maggie, Judy regurgitated her water, bringing up stomach acid so potent it made her eyes water. Maggie rubbed Judy's back as she vomited, put the glass back on the unit, and sighed heavily, a look of complete pity in her eyes.

"Oh, Judy," She murmured, gently stroking Judy's flushed, chubby cheeks, damp with the tears once again running down her face. Although she thought it totally disgusting, Judy spat her sour tasting saliva into the bowl, and, leaning against Maggie, sighed, sick of feeling like this.

Maggie shifted further towards her, allowing Judy's head to rest against her chest. As Judy slowly drifted off to sleep, she subconsciously curled up on her side, turning away from Maggie. But Maggie, not wanting to be rejected - even though she knew, deep down, that Judy didn't mean to roll away from her - just moved towards her, wrapping her arms around Judy's face, and pressing the front of her body into Judy's back. Quickly taking her own, and Judy's, glasses off, Maggie spooned with Judy until she too fell asleep, her face resting against Judy's shoulder. The last thing Maggie did before she dropped off was give Judy's sweaty cheek a kiss, and she thought she heard Judy whisper 'I love you' - but even if she was mistaken, which she probably was, Maggie knew that it was still true, and knew that she loved her girlfriend too, with all her heart.


End file.
